


The Courting of Eridan Ampora By One John Egbert, Involving Whales

by DoctorV



Series: Everyone Is Happy And No One Dies: A Series About Life After Apocalypses And Godhood OR Winners' Circle [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Fluff, M/M, Post-Sburb, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-03
Updated: 2011-05-04
Packaged: 2017-10-18 22:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/193897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>See title. Post-game happy ending AU where everyone's alive, including lusi and human guardians. (Written for a kinkmeme prompt.)</p><p>Illustrated by El Kitten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Proposin' Wwhales

**Author's Note:**

  * For [El Kitten](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=El+Kitten).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part the first, where John meets Eridan's giant flying seahorse dad-lusus. (Also probably Eridan did not go nuts and kill people. Just sayin'.)
> 
> Illustrations by the incredibly talented El Kitten.

John decides that giant flying seahorses are probably the absolute coolest thing _ever_. They're like if Dave had invented an animal and--Okay, probably Dave wouldn't have invented a flying seahorse, it's really not the same kind of cool that Dave is. It's more the kind of cool reserved for unicorns and dragons. Which _Terezi_ has, and that means Alternia wins at an animal-off because Trolls simply have the best there is.

The point is, having a giant flying seahorse for a dad-lusus pretty much tops the charts of animal coolness in John's mind. Eridan, on the other hand, is blushing bright purple (which always panics John for a split second before he remembers that's just his blood color, it doesn't mean he's suffocating). John guesses he kind of understands that, he'll probably be pretty embarrassed when he gets around to introducing his dad to his alien boyfriend (he's not sure which part of that description weirds him out more, but it's pretty weird).

Right now, Eridan's supercool alien giant flying seahorse dad-lusus is narrowing his eyes at John and making weird, wet whinnying sounds at him. It sounds like some bizarre hybrid of "glub" and "neigh" and John can't help but grin at it. So. _Cool._

"What's he saying?" he asks eagerly.

Eridan raises a hand to his face and shoves his glasses up to rub at the spot between his eyes. "Ugh, I'm so glubbin' glad you can't understand him, it's fuckin' _embarrassin'_."

"Well yeah, he's your _dad_...lusus...thing," John says, shrugging. "So what's he saying?"

Glowering at him for a moment, Eridan rolls his eyes and gives a put-upon sigh, which shouldn't be as cute as it is, but John guesses that's just how love works. "He wwants to knoww your intentions towward me."

"Haha, oh wow, yeah that should've been obvious." Standing up straighter, John meets Eridan's dad-lusus's eyes and says very seriously, "Sir, I really, _really_ care about Eridan and I promise I'll take good care of him and treat him right and, uh...everything else you're supposed to do to be a good...mate-spit?"

" _Matesprit_ ," Eridan hisses quietly, though he's blushing again and he looks like he's trying not to stare at John adoringly (which is one of John's favorite looks on him).

"Right! Everything you're supposed to do to be a good... _matesprit_." John beams and briefly considers holding out his hand to shake, because it seems like the sort of thing a Responsible and Trustworthy Young Man would do when meeting the parent of his significant other, but giant flying seahorses don't have hands and shaking the dad-lusus's tail just seems inappropriate. So he settles for smiling in a friendly manner and trying like heck to give the impression of trustworthiness.

Turning to Eridan, his dad-lusus glub-neighs at him and Eridan sighs as he steps forward. When he's standing beside his dad-lusus, Eridan leans against the creature's side and curls an arm up around the seahorse's head with one hand while he places the other hand on the side of his dad-lusus's face. In a quiet voice that John can barely hear, Eridan murmurs and glubs to his guardian, nodding occasionally when it glub-neighs back. He's blushing again, but there's affection on his face as well.

The giant flying seahorse looks at John again, then dips its head slightly in what looks like a nod. John takes that as acceptance of he and Eridan's relationship and grins even wider.

A few more glub-neighs have Eridan flushing even brighter than ever and he looks away when his dad-lusus turns to meet his eyes. Dropping his hands to fiddle with his scarf, Eridan toes at the ground and mumbles something. His dad-lusus shakes his head and glub-neighs sternly. Eridan throws his hands up and groans, looking exasperated.

"It doesn't _wwork_ like that wwith--"

Glub-neigh!

"Ugh, _fine_!"

"What?" John asks, looking back and forth between the two. "What's he saying?"

Eridan hunches his shoulders and turns to face John, though he's glowering at his guardian out of the corner of his eye. "He wwwanted to knoww if I'd gotten you a wwwhale yet."

John stares. Eridan blushes. "A whale?"

"It's...a seatroll thing."

"Oh wow, is that like proposing marriage?"

Eridan stares at him, frowning. "Jawn, I havve no fuckin' idea wwhat that is. But sure, it's like proposin' to do your wweird alien thing wwith a bizarre name."

John laughs. "Okay well if it is, I don't think we're at that stage in our relationship just yet. I mean, we're still pretty young. You can give me a whale when we're older!"

That must be the right thing to say, because Eridan's eyes go kind of big and shiny and his mouth twists up at one corner while his sharp teeth nibble at his bottom lip. He's blushing again and looks a little overwhelmed with affection. John thinks Eridan looking like that may almost beat out giant flying seahorses for coolest thing ever.

Turning back to his dad-lusus, Eridan mumble-glubs to the creature again. The seahorse glub-neighs and affectionately nudges Eridan with his head. Eridan smiles and throws his arms around his dad-lusus's neck to hug him. "Thanks for understandin'," he tells him, just loud enough that John can hear.

Then Eridan's striding towards John and grabbing his arm and leading (dragging) him toward the door. "Let's get outta here," he mutters to John.

When they get outside, Eridan drops John's arm and lets out an exaggerated sigh, slumping as they walk away. "Wwell _that_ wwas awwkwward."

Laughing, John slips a hand into Eridan's and gives it a squeeze. "Don't worry about it. At least he didn't bake us a cake." He shudders a little at the thought.

"Yeah. ...Wwait wwhat?"

  



	2. Whale Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part the second, where Eridan meets John's pastry-obsessed guardian and a cultural misunderstanding occurs.
> 
> Illustrations by the ever talented El Kitten.

John is _mortified_.

It's a Rose word, but he thinks it fits in this situation. It's partly his own fault for mentioning the whales to his dad, but there would have been cake either way. Now Eridan is staring at the cake, then at his dad, then at John, and then back at the cake again. And he looks _confused_ but also kind of _really hopeful_ and now John is really, _really_ regretting comparing giving someone a whale to proposing marriage. He's also really regretting _explaining_ to Eridan what human marriage is.

Because his dad baked a whale cake.

His dad baked a _cake_ , which was to be expected and dreaded, and it is in the shape of a _whale_.

Eridan is just staring at the whale cake, his eyes all wide and shiny, and his face fins are kind of fluttering a little and he's in danger of strangling himself with his own scarf if he keeps pulling on it like that.

Watching his alien boyfriend stare at what he's probably interpreting as the alien equivalent of a diamond ring, John's heart sinks. He _likes_ Eridan, really _really_ likes him, and he's happy being boyfriends or matesprits or _whatever_ with him. But he's not ready to get _engaged_ to him. They're still _kids_ \--Well they're sort of still kids. Probably the rules on age are different after you save the universe, and they're right on that dividing line between "kid" and "adult" anyway, but the point is they're still _young_.

"Uhhh--Trolls are allergic to cake!" John blurts out, grabbing at Eridan's hand and trying to pull him away.

"No wwe're not, Jawn," Eridan says, rolling his eyes. Now because he's essentially been told not to, he reaches out and dips a finger into the frosting. Bringing it to his mouth, his lips close around the digit and suck at the sweet confection. Watching mesmerized, John can tell from the slight movements of Eridan's cheeks and jaw that his boyfriend is also _licking_ his finger and _is that really appropriate behavior in front of his dad, oh god_.

Eridan smiles at John's dad. "It's delicious."

John's dad smiles back and then looks over at John. "I'm proud of you, son."

John...needs to ask Rose for some words that go well with "mortified."

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, Eridan is not actually fellating his finger or licking it in any kind of lewd manner in front of Mr. Egbert. John is just a horny teenager with an imagination and he's watching his boyfriend-thing suck on something, so it _seems_ far more indecent than it really is. Oh John.  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part the last, where fatherly bonding occurs and a date is had, while dialogue is inconspicuously absent.
> 
> Illustrations by the ever talented El Kitten.

There is a bit of an awkward moment when the creature's horns catch on the brim of the newly-acquired hat, but the matter is quickly dealt with with a kitchen knife and a minimum of fuss. He helps his co-conspirator settle the hat back on his head, with his horns poking easily through the holes in the brim.

Mr. Egbert takes a step back to look him over critically and Mr. Ampora (as he has taken to calling Eridan's guardian) tilts his head quizzically. Mr. Egbert nods his approval and Mr. Ampora nods back, straightening with pride.

Their meetings are largely non-verbal. Mr. Egbert has always been a quiet man, and Mr. Ampora does not speak in a manner that humans can understand or emulate. They are both fathers though, of a sort, and they share the language of love and pride for their charges.

Mr. Egbert looks them both over once more and decides they are as inconspicuous as a man and a giant, floating, alien seahorse are going to get. Another shared nod and they're off.

They keep their distance, of course, because they do not want to give away their presence. Watching from across the street, Mr. Egbert nods to himself as John pulls out Eridan's chair at the mostly-casual-semi-formal restaurant he had chosen for their date. They are sitting at a table on the outdoor patio portion of the restaurant because there is an excellent view of the water from there and John is a Thoughtful Boy who thinks of things like that.

Eridan is smiling in surprise but looks flattered as he sits down and lets John push his chair in before sitting down himself. They're both blushing, even though they've been dating for quite some time now. While the boys order and chat and eat, Mr. Egbert pulls out a bag of homemade oatmeal cookies and shares them with Mr. Ampora.

The date goes swimmingly (and Mr. Egbert shares that thought with Mr. Ampora, who gives a glubbing-whinny of a laugh) and before long the boys are looking over the check and cheerfully arguing. John is, like a gentleman, trying to insist he pay the full bill but Eridan pushes to split it between them. They finally reach a compromise of splitting the bill and John taking care of the tip as well. Then as the waiter is leaving with bill and payment, and the boys are getting up to leave, John leans in to kiss Eridan on the cheek and quietly say something. Eridan looks surprised but delighted and nods, quickly taking John's hand in his as they head out. They are not, it seems, going home just yet.

Mr. Egbert glances at Mr. Ampora and they give each other a quick nod of agreement before carefully following John and Eridan.

Their boys lead them to the beach where it looks like John has decided to end the date with a romantic moonlit stroll. Mr. Egbert couldn't be prouder.

Shoes and socks come off and pants are rolled up so that the young pair can walk closer to the water. Hands are clasped and John and Eridan walk along chatting about inconsequential things that young people in love talk about while walking on the beach. After a while John tugs Eridan closer to the sand and pulls him near, arms wrapping around each other as they kiss. Mr. Egbert politely averts his eyes and notices that Mr. Ampora has tilted his head so that the hat blocks his view of the boys.

When he looks again, John has taken a step back and is nervously saying something, motioning for Eridan to stay where he is. Eridan looks confused but does as asked and a moment later John is down on one knee, digging something out of a pocket. Eridan's confusion changes to nervousness and he glances around as if worried about them being caught. Mr. Egbert prefers not to think about what they've been getting up to that Eridan is reacting like that.

Mr. Ampora gives a disapproving huff and moves as if to head down there, but Mr. Egbert places a steadying hand on the seahorse's neck. His expression and a nod say to wait and see how things play out and Mr. Ampora grudgingly agrees, settling back in to watch.

Finding what he was looking for, John nervously beams up at Eridan and holds up an open ring box. Eridan's eyes widen and he asks a question, which John nods in reply to and then asks a question of his own. Eridan nods rapidly, fumbling with the jewelry on one hand to clear a space.

Knowing that Mr. Ampora probably isn't familiar with human customs, Mr. Egbert finds the appropriate picture on his phone and holds it up for the seahorse to see. The quality of the picture isn't the greatest, but it gets the point across. John has been secretly working toward this for months, commissioning one of his friends (one of the Trolls, Mr. Egbert thinks) to craft a ring with a small whale on it, holding a diamond in its mouth. John has just proposed human marriage to his Troll matesprit with a whale. Down on the beach, the pair are locked in a passionate embrace.

Casually, Mr. Egbert takes out a handkerchief and holds it up so Mr. Ampora can dab at his tears of paternal pride.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end, technically. Just the end of this part of this story. A horrible person who shall not be named is a very bad influence and made suggestions for fleshing out this world, and I...have a very weak will. So there will be at least one more story in this series, but it will not involve John, Eridan, or their guardians. After that is anyone's guess.


End file.
